Anxiety

I'm suffering from anxiety at the moment and have had to take some time out to get myself better. The past year has been hard for everyone and I've managed to get through it but the past few months have been particularly hard and I've had to take a break.

I found myself having regular headaches, often as soon as I woke up. Sleeping has been hard and nightmares are quite regular. I struggled to concentrate at work and started to feel tired and grumpy a lot. Feeling like this for months at a time was exhausting and I could feel myself diving into a dark hole.

After a while, the most basic and simplest of tasks became hard. I started to have heart palpitations and would get into a negative loop which would leave me paralysed with anxiety.

I decided to take time out to get myself better. I realise it will be a long journey but I feel I have taken the first step to recovering. Speaking to a councillor is very helpful, just knowing somebody understands how you feel and can help you understand why you feel that way.

One of the ways I take care of myself is to take my dog for a walk in the forest. I feel completely alone and am able to clear my head and focus on nature. Another activity that helps is riding my motorbike. You have to live in the moment and really concentrate on what you're doing so it really helps keep the dark thoughts at bay and is very exhilarating.

There is a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment which can make me feel uneasy at times. I feel like my future is a bit hazy and I can't really see where I will be in a few months. Lots of big life decisions to make related to work and home.

We would like to make the move to Finland in the near future which is obviously dependent on our job situation. It's a slow process and there are no givens with it. I also need to learn Finnish more if I'm to succeed at working and living over there.

I miss Finland a lot. I miss the slow living. The focus on the present and self-care. The simple act of sitting down and having a coffee or taking sauna and looking after yourself. I just don't feel like that happens here in the UK. Everyone is rushing and wanting to get ahead. I want a quiet, simple life with my husband and our dog. I want to go for long walks in the woods, do creative work and really improve the quality of my life. Ever since I first visited Finland in 2017, I felt it was where I was meant to be. When I'm in Finland, everything makes sense.

I'm content with my life here in the UK. There's nothing more I want to need but I do feel like my heart is in Finland. I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to get away from my life here. There's nothing wrong with it, but I just feel this need to go to Finland.

At the moment, I'm here. I'm allowing myself time to stop and get off the merry-go-round for a minute. Even though I don't know what my future will look like, I realise I'm in charge of where I'm going and I think it will be a good place.

To be continued.